Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
You sure about that?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.