Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
finally
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
screw you
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.