Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Taliband
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat