Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”