Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
You Might Also Like
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that