@SlipperySecret

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

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@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

@CArmanthegirl

I’m gonna pose in a cheerleading outfit for my dating profile so I can weed out the weirdos

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@_doorbeing

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.