@SlipperySecret
@JimmerThatisAll I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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@JimmerThatisAll 
@CArmanthegirl I’m gonna pose in a cheerleading outfit for my dating profile so I can weed out the weirdos
@Reverend_Scott [kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
@stevevsninjas Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
@curlycomedy Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
@_doorbeing Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
@Try2StopME If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
@o__0Dev It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
@ValeeGrrl I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
@spekulation My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.