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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.


I’m gonna pose in a cheerleading outfit for my dating profile so I can weed out the weirdos


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.


Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.


I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.


My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.