Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’ve had relationships like this
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[adds another nod to the conversation]
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide