@JustineStafford

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

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@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

@jferg1616

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

@ozzyunc

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

@MoistPork

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.