Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

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Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket


Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.


I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.


I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest


I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.


“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.


Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*


He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”


Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”