Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m awake but I object,
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.