Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.