@JustineStafford

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

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@JasonNotEvil

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

@capnwatsisname

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

@diemadcraig

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@Rollinintheseat

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

@abbycohenwl

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

@SteveKoehler22

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”