Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no