Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
was Jim off killing horses or…
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
adding to the discourse
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Accurate
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.