Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*