Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.