Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.


I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.


I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.


If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?


Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.


I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts


wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car


ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot


Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.