Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
why I oughta
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.