Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.