@GreenScoundrel

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

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@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@JUSTLisandra

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

@mrtruthandsoul

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@rockymomax

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

@ThatDudeF

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

@Try2StopME

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.