Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played


“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.


Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.


Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?


A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages


“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”


Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’


I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.