Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.