@JermHimselfish *holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
@GreenScoundrel Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You Might Also Like
@JermHimselfish 
@sacha_is_good “If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@HiddleDeeDee I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
@JUSTLisandra Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
@mrtruthandsoul Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
@donni A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
@rockymomax “i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
@ThatDudeF Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
@Try2StopME I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
@mellimelle You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.