Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”