Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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Money is the root of all wealth
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My kitchen overserved me.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
won’t smith
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.