Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Flock of bats
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism