Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.