Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
need him
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?