Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”