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If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*