*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
You Might Also Like
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The Book. The Movie.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.