Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.


Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit



CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]


When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America


ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?


When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.


It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.


[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?


12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this