Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Does this dress make me look cat?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
A huge thanks to the person that did this