Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me trying to “trust the process”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
classic mixup
