“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.