Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.


Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*


[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*


Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.


if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.


CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour


The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.


we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’