Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.