NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Breaking news:
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best