@UnFitz

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

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@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

@noog

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

@WilliamAder

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@Blarebare

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.