NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.