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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.