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Unionize your workplace
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Lmao 🤣
[at the general store]
me: one general please
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.