Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Cheer up.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*