[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider