Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Squirrels before girls.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.