Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Catercrombie & Fish
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
peep davidson
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.