Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
How wrong was this guy?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.