Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The 6 types of sex
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.