Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️