nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!