Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
You Might Also Like
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
marvel comics have peaked
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.