@mommy_cusses

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

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@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@thatdentaldude

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

@Cpin42

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@Just__J0

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@PLATINUM2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.