nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Best mom ever 😂
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Probably my best painting.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?