nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
A ghost story
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Meowchelangelo
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.