Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Had an epiphany today.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[eats all your cotton candy]
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.