@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

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@_elvishpresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@nayele18maybe

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

@RickAaron

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

@gloomfather

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off