nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole