me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
me: wait for what
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
What if the weather talks about us?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off