nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You Might Also Like
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.