nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up