nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !