Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You Might Also Like
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
me irl
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil