NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”